Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

Today is that day. The one that brings joy, fear, and contemplation: the birthday.

As if there wasn't plenty of opportunities to reflect on life in my daily routine I have to endure a day of these thoughts washing over me with the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face. I must look back at this past year, "25" and think about what worked, what didn't and what to do for the next year.

This was a rollercoaster of a year. Some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my entire life. I won't detail them here, because most of you already know. But dealing with these has been so difficult and a test of my patience, peace of mind, and the capacity of my heart. Let's look towards the future and what I can do better in the coming year, because if I think about it all too much I'll cry. Which makes me just want to announce for the record, yes I know I am dramatic, yes I know I'm overly emotional. It's just part of me. I can't change it to any great extent. That's just me. Love it or leave. Emo-ness and all.

In this next year, first and foremost I want to take the time and effort to let everybody in my life know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. These things are always assumed and taken for granted, and nobody deserves this. If you care about someone, tell them. If they do something nice for you, thank them, whether it be in words or returned favors. Let's all take care of each other and let one another just how much love there is. Don't let a single person slip away or grow cold just because you didn't take time to pay attention to the little things and be the most caring person you could be. And in keeping in spirit of this, I would just like to say a big thank you to Kim for making my last birthday really fun and special. That means a lot to me.

Health is another thing, and I know it sounds terribly cliche to talk about it, but it's true. The body's only going to get weaker and metabolism slower. Now's the time to start taking care of myself, eating better and exercising regularly. I started this in the past few weeks, and I hope to continue it. Because not only do I feel better, but I will eventually lose a little weight and be more tone, and that would be awesome.

The other important thing for this year is to pursue my dreams and desires to the fullest. Life's not getting any longer, and the opportunities are not getting more plentiful. As Ryan Adams says, "If you want any flowers, you've got to get your seeds into the ground." So that's what I'm going to try to do. Plant the seeds of success, whether that be through meeting more film people, taking some informal classes on some high-end software, or continue writing. Now is the time to go for it. I've been off to a good start this year. Marshall and I have completed two feature-length scripts and are working on a short currently. This is progress, and it should continue, full strength. Never should the desire to just laze around, drink, or play video games come before making my dreams happen. I've spent enough of my early to mid-20s just playing like the thoughtless grasshopper in summer. True I've gained some grit and survival skills in the past two years that have helped me grow immensely inside, but I still didn't have my eye on the prize, wasn't feeling that metaphorical "fire" under me, except in brief moments when some of those around me would pump me up, and show that they believed in me. God, if only I had started taking all of this serious earlier, things could have been so different, or at least got rolling earlier. Because now I feel I am coming to the sink or swim point, whether I decide to continue wallowing in just "getting-by" or really go for it and carve out a respectable existence for myself. I feel like I still have so much to do and say, so much to think and dream.

These are just a couple of things I had to put down on "paper." I suppose part of me believes that if I put it in writing then it will be more material and substantial. And it's not the most elegantly written thing in the world, but I just needed to spit this out to all of you, and myself. Let you know where I'm at mentally on this day, because most people ask you on your birthday, "how do you feel? do you feel any older?" Do I still feel young? I guess. Do I feel a little old? Yup. So this is how I feel.

To end things on a funny note, here's the lyrics to Shake's new birthday song from Aqua Teen Hunger Force because he hated the traditional birthday song. It was played by Zakk Wylde and was crazy. Enjoy!

"Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary"

Deep within the womb of time,
a creature thus be born
The seed of life is united with
the egg of tyranny
Gestates forth from within the womb of life
for three-quarter and nigh a year
The creature thus be born!
The creature thus be formed!
And ye of years ... bells will chime!
When the heavens open up
and drink from the silver cup
The creature thus be born!
And blow the magic horn!
To alert the spirit deep within the cycle of life.
The creature has begun it's journey deep forlorn,
upon this day which he be formed
In the sea of mucus the spirit rides down from the mountain
and unites with the creature in the womb
A holy union, dark mortality, until the dark mortality
breaks the chain of life
The creature thus be born
And every year raineth down the celebratory tears
A celebration of the years
from mere mortal sky

Coffee + Sleep Deprivation

The need for escape feels overwhelming. This burning desire to transcend the confines of my physical being and mental capacity pervades every thought I have as I sit here and mindlessly type these numbers for this job that doesn't matter in a building that does nothing more than give the wrong people money and make them feel important. This is not my world. Not the one I claim to be my own. The one where I would dearly love to lay my head would be a much more open one--expanisve. it would strentch for days with infinite sky. Free of limitation and necessity. In such a place one could exist in peace and pursue the thoughts and activites that they knew were meant for them, the things they felt in their inner-being. It would certainly not be what someone else thought one was capable of, putting a cap on your mobility and creativity. I feel it's this way in the which the world grinds along that makes people dead inside, to be brow beaten by someone else's expectations, void of ideas to dream for themselves, to reach into the infinite possibilities waiting for anyone with enough desire and grit.

Perhaps it's the coffee and that makes my mind work overtime, racing with a million thoughts a minute, unable to control my words or my thoughts, let alone concentrate on this menial task before me. This environment can be stifiling and depressing at times, but one must just say, "This is not me. When I am elsewhere, they will still be here." A while ago the inner adventurer, dreamer was fully unlocked by the right mind and heart, and it's impossible to go back to accepting what life gives with only a faint hope of happiness once one has tasted the possibilities and lived life lean and wild, ready for anything this world threw at you, whether you knew you were ready for it or not.

If sheer imagination and mental power alone could shake the foundations of this earth, I feel as if they would right now, under the weight of racing fragments of fury and thought that bounce inside my skull. I see myself not as what greets me in the mirror, but in ideal, thoughts, and feelings--an existence of intesity riding the crest of large and lethal golden wave. Sometimes I'm at the top with a beautiful ocean view, wind in my hair and face, smiling and letting the experience wash over me, and other times I have been cast ashore by this wave, clammering in the sandy shore, violently swimming back out towards the waves, hoping to catch it again, not knowing how long I must paddle until I find it again. This is the time when arms tire and the mind weakens, but if I just remain fixed on those times when I was madly dancing atop the wave, strength returns to my arms and new determination fills the mind. It feels as if the next chance to catch the tide is fast approacing whether I am prepared or not. Is that it just a few miles out, or is that my mind playing tricks on me? Only time will reveal the truth and in the meantime I must continue on as if it is just a few knots away.